I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
normalize having existential bread
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it