Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You had me at “define legal”.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
*checks Timeline*…
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I can’t deal with men any longer
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too