If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
You Might Also Like
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Ok, but like, how married are you?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda