The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
That’s easy for you to say
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Fight
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.