Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
handsome & gretel
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?