Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”