Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?