Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.