Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You Might Also Like
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Catercrombie & Fish
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My biological clock is wheezing.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.