sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”