I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Kids, do not try this at home!
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Do one person every day that scares you.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*