Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
our love story in four pictures
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.