GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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Welcome to the stomach
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.