“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
taking June’s advice to heart
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer