went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.