It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Great acting.. 😂
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
fixed it
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?