My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*pronounces patio like ratio
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼