Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
oh shit
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
i meant to share this earlier
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”