Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries