You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,