How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I have never related to a cat more
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”