this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.