(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
You Might Also Like
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please