The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going