FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.