My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September