*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
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KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
How it started How it’s going
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.