Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Venn
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”