Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”