[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.