[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
You Might Also Like
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch