Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You Might Also Like
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Worth remembering.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.