I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there