Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!