(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.