I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
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🤯🤯🤯
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne