Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
cause of death:
autopsy.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around