*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator