If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.