Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
October already? What’s next? November????