” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin