My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
You Might Also Like
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?