Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Tuesday
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.