CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.