It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.