My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –