I used to be married, but I’m better now
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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If only
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*