SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine