ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I need this for my side hustle.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
the clam before the storm
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?