WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You Might Also Like
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Am I having a stroke?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.